Noah (2014)

Just to get it out of the way – I am NOT religious.

Never have been and never will be. No thank you.

*don’t even get me started on the historically-factual evils, tragedies and horrors associated with mankind’s long over-cooked reliance on organized superstitions, long outdated institutions now easily warped and utilized as tools of fear, manipulation, and violence on an uneducated and often impoverished section of the population and…(deep breath)…steps off soapbox.

If I NEED to self-apply some label, the closest I come to is Agnostic. There IS something out there, far bigger than we will ever be, that controls it all. I just refuse to give it a name. And even there, if I NEED to identify THAT all-controlling cosmic force that some people choose to call ‘God’, the closest I can get is…drum-roll, please…Math. That’s right. EVERYTHING can be broken down into numbers.

Just sit with that one for a bit, let it percolate.

But that’s not to say that religion hasn’t given birth to some damn cool stories. And, if you’re like me and view the narrative content contained in many religious belief structures, particularly those of the Religions of the Desert (Christianity, Muslim, Judaism), to be wild and crazy stories with INCREDIBLY loose ties to alleged actual events, as translated through that highly unreliable Game of Telephone known as History, then there are entertaining stories to be told.

It was this logic, and the slightest twinge of almost reluctant curiosity, that caused me to part with six whole Canadian dollars when I saw this title tucked in amongst the other cast-off DVD’s during my last sweep through my local VV Boutique.

In truth, it wasn’t the content that drew me in, but rather the presence of acclaimed and admittedly esoteric writer / director Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream) at the helm, a man whose past films have almost all struck a chord with me in some way, shape or fashion. That, and the fact that this was one of his rare misfires that never seemed to get mentioned in any real capacity in the decade or so since it came out, more of an odd blip on the resumes of everyone involved, and that tickled the ole Curiosity Bone. It barely broke even on release, despite the esteemed cast and crew behind the production and it always interests me to see the works of acclaimed directors that fall short, despite the best of intentions of all parties involved.

And given that the story of Noah and the Ark is a rather epic one, I was curious to see if Aronofsky would get in touch with his inner Ridley Scott and deliver an appropriately large and gritty interpretation of this, one of the Bible’s Greatest Hits.

So, on a cold, grey featureless Sunday morning, I got the coffee brewing, the dog-girls drained and tucked back in, and my pad and pen at ready…*hits PLAY.

Some dude named ‘Noah’ (Russell Crowe), living a meagre existence with his family in a seemingly desolate, almost primordial landscape (that looks a lot like the lava sands of Iceland), is maybe sorta-kinda contacted by the imaginary Big Guy Upstairs and tasked with saving ‘the innocent’ ie the animals, from extinction, as it seems that humans have rightfully earned a prominent spot on the divine Naughty List and are now scheduled for termination.

Through a series of visions / hallucinations, ‘Noah’ concludes that the Final Solution for mankind will come in the form of an all-compassing flood, and that he has been tasked with building a vessel capable of carrying two of all animal-kind, to begin again when the surface of the Earth has been washed clean of the human pests. Aided by a group of rock-bodied fallen angels, ‘Noah’ and his family, including wife ‘Naameh’ (Jennifer Connelly) and adopted daughter ‘Ila’ (Emma Watson), strain under the enormity of the task and fractures begin to form, just as outside forces begin to mass and the waters begin to rise.

Scribbles ensued…

-Crowe and Connelly  = again. This is the third pairing of these two highly good-looking thespians, with Noah being added to the list with A Beautiful Mind (2000) and Winter’s Tale (also 2014).

-This IS sci-fi, right? There was a lot from the get-go to suggest that this could fit into that genre, but as the 2 hour and 18 minute run-time played out, I found myself leaning decidedly toward Fantasy.

-Ok, Rock monsters. Why not? Cool design though. Love the backstory. One element that shoved this ‘adaptation’ squarely toward the Science Fiction / Fantasy categories was the presence of a group of fallen angels called Watchers, who were trapped in bulky bodies comprised of rocks and boulders. They did look cool, with interesting movements and features. The sequence showing their creation was genuinely cool shit.

-Hopkins! Always welcome. Hannibal Lecter himself, what can I say.

-Gotta love those Aronofsky quick-cuts. All renowned directors have their own stylistic quirks and flourishes that set them apart and one of Darren Aronofsky’s is the use of unsettling, almost subliminal quick cuts through a series of often provocative images, deliberately shocking the pace of a scene. He excelled at this with his first two masterpieces, 1998’s abrasively intriguing Pi and 2000’s beautifully nightmarish Requiem for a Dream and he continues here.

-Trippy visuals. Trippy Visuals? In a Darren Aronofsky flick? No!! That’s unheard of!

-Too bad for the Biblical bullshit. My own bias and intolerance shining through. Sorry, not sorry.

-Well, isn’t THAT convenient. Insta-forest. There’s a lot that happens that can be excused as the ‘actions of God blah blah blah’, but to me it came across as easy and convenient short-cuts through the script writing process. Oh, you need wood to build your deity-contracted cargo ship? Presto change-o! Sprawling woods and grasslands in moments! Out of nowhere! As far as the eye can see! Why? Cuz the plot needed to keep moving…and it showed.

-Emma! Oh, yeeaah…I’d kiss her scar too. I’m just a sucker for Emma Watson, as for this fella, she is ravishingly gorgeous…so when she’s introduced frolicking with one of her step-bros (!), and he starts kissing away at the ugly stab wound scar marring Miss Watson’s normally sexy mid-riff, I was with it. Maybe even a wee bit envious.

Creepy, I know.

-They got that fuckin bird high! So, how do they plan to safely transport these scores of various CG animals until the safety of land returns? Why, drug them, of course. And that’s first demonstrated using a small bird waved through some strange smoke or vapor they’d cooked up, which knocks his little feathered ass out cold. They then proceed to walk several burners of this substance through the hold, thus putting all the animals nicely to sleep, so the script can somehow ignore things like food, water, sanitation, medical care and the fact that if some animals, like elephants, sleep for overly long periods, the weight of their bodies will literally kill them. But hey, I see what you’re doing, Aronofsky.

-CG animals are CG. There are a lot of animals on display here…and that means a lot of highly noticeable 2010’s graphics is also on display, ready to distract at every turn.

-Good ‘humans are brutal’ scene. ‘Noah’ sneaks his way through the rough human settlement that sprung up near the Ark’s construction site and sees humans at their worst, with open suggestions of kidnapping, rape and animal abuse on display, further putting forth the argument for our destruction at the hands of an angry god.

-Pure Crowe stoicism. 2000 till about 2015, Russell Crowe excelled at taking on Manly Man leading roles, arguably starting with Ridley Scott’s 2000 epic Gladiator and continuing on from there. By this point in his career, he could do these roles in his sleep.

-How romantic. Trench of corpses. Dumbass middle son, ‘Ham’ (Logan Lerman), on his quest to find a wife, finds an orphaned girl hiding in literal trench filled with bodies, and he decides that she’s The One. There’s romance…and flies…in the air.

-Damn girl! Emma’s in heat! After Anthony Hopkins’ maybe he’s a wizard / maybe he’s not grandpa character somehow repairs ‘Ila’s once-stabbed uterus, she throws herself on the oldest son ‘Shem’ (Douglas Booth), suddenly craving a serious dose of his Vitamin D. *sighs wistfully

-Trampled? Harsh! Odd waste / use of a character. *SPOILERS* So, the little orphaned hussy that ‘Ham’ opts to rescue and hopefully marry, gets herself caught in a nasty leg trap while they flee, as a horde of marauding humans charge after them. Crowe turns up and grabs his kid, leaving the poor girl screaming and crying for help, trapped. And in no time flat, her screams are choked off as she’s unceremoniously trampled into the ground by the rush of vengeful humans, never to be seen again.

-Very LOTR-like battle. A large battle breaks out around the Ark construction site and the rock monsters wade in, fighting to protect the Ark they had all laboured to build. I was reminded of the Ents from The Two Towers and their assault on Isengard.

-Maximus Mode engaged. Russell Crowe again gets jiggy with the fisticuffs and blood-letting, channeling his arguably most famous character.

-Admittedly cool mix of science and religion in sequence showing Creation / Evolution. That. Right there.

-This Ham kid is an annoying dipshit and a traitor. The middle child is both of those things and I wished him ill. Lots of ill.

-Holy Hissy Fit, Gramps! Crowe loses it when he finds out Emma is knocked up, as he sees it as an affront and an obstacle to his grand divine plan, and flat out threatens the unborn baby’s life before running off in a crazed fit of rage.

-Noah enters Villain Mode? This caught me off-guard but for a significant chunk of the story, ‘Noah’ is stomping around in pure ‘Jack Torrance’ mode, an open and declared threat to unborn baby Emma Watson is hauling around, depending on the sex.

-Holy shit, Jen! Over-act much? Aside from being absolutely beautiful, Jennifer Connelly has long been recognized as a talented actress but here, Aronofsky had her turn up the melodramatic hysterics up to 11 in her confrontation with ‘Noah’ scene and it bordered on silly for this here fella.

-Hidden for months? Never found? Bullshit! Ray Winstone’s antagonistic ‘Cain’ character manages to stow away aboard the Ark and somehow remains undetected, despite sporting a nasty compound fracture and no food or water. Unfortunately, the dumbass ‘Ham’ kid helps him out, cuz he’s mad at his old man for letting his potential fuck-toy get crushed into the mud like a Ketchup packet.

–Named Noah. Can’t root for ‘Noah’. Odd choice. For most of this story, I simply did not like how they chose to portray our main character, the movie’s friggin namesake. ‘Noah’, as portrayed, was simply an unlikeable man with poor communication skills who went to extremes to fulfill his alleged destiny, no matter what the cost. Sure, there’s the inevitable redemption arc after the hard-ass approach ‘Noah’ took, but he was literally threatening the lives of loved ones, being an angry and vengeful prick for too much of the narrative.

-Literally about to stab a baby in the face. Oh, that silly Russell Crowe.

-Major convenient time-jump. No changes? So, after the journey of the Ark comes to an end, essentially shipwrecked on a tiny outcropping of rock in the middle of Waterworld, we jump ahead what must be years (we see the remains of the Ark stuck to the top of a mountain). When we see the pathetic wreck that ‘Noah’ has become, his hair is now almost all white and he looks rode hard and put away wet. However, when we see the estranged family, none of them have changed at all. It was a little jarring.

-3^rd Act pacing all over the map. Choppy AND meandering all at once. The last third does not flow well at all.

-Cheesy, melodramatic ending. Not satisfying. Don’t want to ruin much, so just go with that.

While I am glad that I finally got the chance to see a ‘new’ Darren Aronofsky flick, I can’t see myself ever feeling the need to revisit this one. While some of the concepts are genuinely cool and much of the film’s look is inspired, Noah doesn’t fully seem to understand what it wants to be, either in theme or in tone, and the structure of the 3^rd Act I found frustrating and overly cheesy, with the actual character of ‘Noah’ a confused mess of action and emotion, who’s undefined character foundations leave him a hard character to root for, especially when he hits the gas on Villain Mode for most of the flick’s second half.

All in all, Noah, as nothing more than an object of passing curiosity, was entertaining enough as I initially watched it, but in the end, something was definitely lacking and I can understand why it quietly vanished into obscurity when it failed to blow up the Box Office back in 2014. It’s not a poorly-done movie, not by a long stretch, it’s just that certain narrative and performance choices were misguided and the lack of overall finesse in the pacing led to a sense of detachment at a time in the story when I should’ve been the most invested.

If you’re a fan of Aronofsky’s past work and feel the need, from a completist stand-point, to give this one a look, by all means, do so. On that level, this title is interesting to see. However, the most casual of movie-goers can probably skip Noah, and not be negatively impacted in any way.