Primeval (2007)

Ok…so considering that genre films often get spit out in competing pairs, I decided to check out the OTHER man-eating crocodile thriller of 2007. Kinda wish I hadn’t. Pretty much everything about this ‘based on true events’ flick sucks. It’s stupid in nearly every way. It follows a lug-headed journalist and his team (token comic-relief black cameraman included) as they embark on a network-funded expedition to capture a legendary monster crocodile that has been munching locals near a river system in Burundi, Africa. Set against a clumsy sub-plot of civil war, genocide and the overall shitty condition of the continent, the crew of one-dimensional (and HORRIBLY acted) stereotypes set about having their asses handed to them by the dinosaur-sized CG crocodile. This flick was ‘down hill’ from the get go; right from the Se7en-inspired (ie ripped off) opening credits. All the stiff character interaction is cringe-inducing and not helped at all by some of the most obvious and childish attempts at ‘dialogue’ I’ve heard in quite some time. Where ‘Rogue’ worked by depicting most of the kills fleetingly, Primeval seems to relish in showing bodies violently rupturing like slimy, crimson-filled water balloons, which may have worked if they weren’t cheap, videogame-looking graphics. Added to which is the fact they they portray Gustave (based on a real croc of the same name) as being part ninja as he leaps about and throws himself at his puny victims in ways that are probably not found in a crocodiles natural repertoire of movements. There are times when it’s hard to tell what story they’re trying to (badly) tell. Is it a ‘survivors fleeing scary monster’ flick or is it a ‘hard hitting statement’ about the horrors of civil war Africa? They fail dramatically on both counts. In the end, the civil war plot serves only to include an extended, out-of-the-blue action scene that has virtually NOTHING to do with the main story. It was like they looked at the movie and realized that they NEEDED another 15 minutes of dramatic action to get it to ordinary movie length. So they shoe-horned in a lame chase/gunfight scene that was so predictable it almost hurt. Did I already mention that the acting sucks? Well, why stop there? This WHOLE movie sucks. Don’t bother with this moronic piece of shit. In this competition…’Rogue’ wins…for now.

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