Given that I heard SO much scuttlebutt about just how mind-bogglingly shitty this supernatural cowboy flick was, I hit PLAY with my expectations down around ‘subterranean’. Imagine my surprise when I found myself actually (mildly) entertained at certain, small parts; mostly parts involving things exploding wildly or sweaty Megan Fox in a corset…with her mouth closed. But as we all know…a couple cool scenes a good movie does not make. And make no mistake…Jonah Hex is not a good movie. Based on the comic book of the same name, the flick follows the vengeance-fuelled meaderings of a disfigured former soldier-turned-bounty hunter, played with grimy, growly menace by Josh Brolin (American Gangster), as he tries to thwart some dastardly doomsday plot orchestrated by a woefully miscast John Malkovich. Going with my gut here but I’m inclined to think that this was originally a longer movie that wound up getting butchered in the cutting room as a result of some sorta behind-the-scenes hassle. It’s jarringly episodic, with Hex just appearing here…there…everywhere with no real connective tissue between the scenes. Another problem is the elements of non-linear story-telling that they seem to have just clumsily dropped into the fray. And since when do you need a metaphorical fight scene intercut with the actual fight scene, especially when the characters are ONLY fisticuffing in both? A little unnecessary, guys. And speaking of unnecessary…Megan Fox. Sure, she’s delicious on the eyes and does make a half-assed attempt at a Southern accent…but who the fuck was she?! Seriously, her hooker character (go figure) had ZERO development. None! She’s there to wind up as an unexplainable hostage at the end. Unexplainable, as in they never make a connection between the whore and Hex for the bad guys to exploit. Suddenly Michael Fassbenders (admittedly cool) villain character just shows up at her room…SOMEHOW knowing that she’s Hex’ regular pump. Mighty presumptious of him to think that Hex would care SO much for a local lady-of-the-night. Speaking of Fassbender, his tattoo’d, lizard-like Irish enforcer character was easily the most interesting one to show up onscreen. Mind you…the scraggly mutt that takes up with Hex was quite compelling as well (I mean a dog…not Megan). One thing the really peeves me is when a story is trying to make use of ‘the supernatural’ but doesn’t establish any rules or limitations. In this, supernatural shit just seems to happen…and people don’t really bat an eye. Is this a parallel universe where dark forces are the norm? Is it new to everyone but they’re just slow idiots who don’t get excited by much? Is Hex the Eric Draven of the Old West? None of it is adequately explained. You’ve got your average, everyday pit fight…and one of the freakish combatants suddenly unhinges his jaw and leaks acid everywhere. Strange? Apparently not to the morons betting on the fight. The flick is loaded with lazy crap like that. Half-assed ideas that seem to exist just to be (kinda) cool…as opposed to ‘logical’ and ‘competent’. There’s probably a shit-ton more that I could mention regarding the inadequacies of this tripe, but I think you get the point. While Jonah Hex does have some decent visuals and ideas-with-potential, it really does just instantly collapse from the weak script, the butchered edit and one dimensional characters. IF there’s literally nothing else on…this one MAY help pass part of a rainy day…when you’re sick on the couch.
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