Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS (1975)

I do believe that I should now bathe…in burning napalm! This is one of those rare moments where my own occasionally misguided curiousity REALLY gets the better of me. For literally decades, I’ve been vaguely aware of this sick little ‘numbers’ existence. I remember noticing the pure Grindhouse VHS (remember those?) box art back when renting an industrial-sized VCR and two VIDEOS was an awesome Saturday night at home with the family. THAT box art…with the mean-looking big boobied blond lady with funny (penis-shaped) hair and bad Nazi stuff happening in the background. And when I was feeling brave (and Mom n Dad weren’t looking) I would pick up the (somehow) creepy case and sneak a peek at the admittedly unpleasant publicity pics on the back. It made me feel…weird. What can I say? I was..like…8. SO…fast forward a scattering of decades and the opportunity to FINALLY check out this mysterious movie from my childhood presents itself. SURELY…it couldn’t be as bad as my young, impressionable mind had convinced itself ‘back in the day’ that it would be. Well guess what?! I didn’t really even come close. This nasty excuse for (porn?) ‘cinema’ is pure, 1970s exploitive Grindhouse bullshit. And I don’t mean that in the current, hip Tarantino/ Rodriguez connotation of the ‘Grindhouse’ term. This flick is nothing but vile sleaze. SleazeCore may be a good genre name for this crap. The fact that this steaming pile of diarrhoea managed to spawn a handful of (apparently) nastier sequels makes me weep a little, inside…for Mankind…as a whole. The pathetic excuse for a ‘story’ goes like this: There’s this psychotically evil, blond nymphomaniac officer/doctor for the 3rd Reich that runs Camp 9 (I think), named…drumroll, please…Ilsa. This horrible cunt (sorry, ladies) is essentially a pornographically female version of that sick (real life) asshole, Dr, Josef Mengele. She’s there to oversee the menu of disgusting and degrading ‘medical’ torture experiments that the Nazis are performing on Jewish prisoners (of course). I mean we’re talking electrified nipple clamps, a high-voltage dildo (no bullshit), boilings, pressure chamber experiments, infectious flesh diseases and a whole slew of gratuitious sexual scenarios in between (S+M, orgies, gang-bangs etc). In amongst all this episodic filth is a loose plot involving a inmate plot to escape and exact revenge on the Nazi captors. It’s friggin window dressing. Just like the opening ‘title card’ that informs the audience that this fictional portrayal is representative of actual events and that the ‘filmmakers’ hope that such presentations will do their part to prevent such atrocity from ever occuring again (as you read it, one of Hitlers speechs shouts at you over the speakers). It’s a transparent attempt to justify the malicious content that they’re about to ‘money shot’ all over the viewers. And the flick very clearly wallows proudly in the degradation that they’re passing off as ‘entertainment’. Shit like this gave rise to the whole idiotic ‘torture porn’ genre. Which I have a hard time taking seriously or respecting at all. I seriously have to wonder just what the hell it was that the the actor/victims thought they were participating in (?). Seriously! Did they think they were crafting fine art? To me…this flick qualifies as a form of abuse on the audience. If you’re a normal, (reasonably) well-balanced adult, this garbage should be an unpleasant experience to behold. If you somehow enjoy this cinematic helping of warm penis cheese…then get the hell outta my home!…via the 3 floor balcony!!! You jerk! I’ll punch you! As you can tell, Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS is not landing on my TO RECOMMEND list. I DO, on the other hand, recommend that the dickheads involved in the creation of this excrement (please) immolate themselves and jump screaming into a deep, rocky canyon. Fuck this movie!!!